Although I fool myself into believing I'm not worried, it'll be OK, it won't happen to me, I know there's always the possibility that it could. Buried somewhere in the psyche are the doubts and the sure knowledge that I am eminently dispensable in the eyes of the Excel jockeys who know little of anything outside their world of spreadsheets and BI applications, knowing that to them I am just another cost. Even the knowledge that I will manage, as I have done before, doesn't assuage all my fears.
The reality of it? Whilst inured to it on a conscious level, the threat still causes interrupted sleep when my guard is down, still creeps just below the surface occasionally making ripples....
This time, as before, it strikes elsewhere, perhaps a little closer, perhaps not, it's difficult to tell without being privy to the spreadsheet criteria and the weight attached to them.
I feel the relief but sag into a melancholic mood, tiredness rushing over me as does the relief of knowing I'll still be able to pay the bills next month. The melancholy comes from knowing that some of my colleagues might not be able to pay theirs next month, that the cycle is likely to repeat in a few more months, the guilt of feeling relief from someone else's misfortune..
I'm not sure I can keep doing this every few months, it feels like time my destiny was out of their hands.
6 comments:
Sometimes in life we just have to live for the day in hand as hard as that may be. Put your focus into something you can have a bearing on, which will bring you joy and a bright future.. your children x
Sarah, yes..
Sieze the day indeed, I intend to try and do that much more often, as for my young ones, yes, they do bring me joy already, something I hope I repay and reciprocate.
We're going through something similar where I am. A restructuring. The Big Announcement is in July. Which is all very well but in the meantime everyone is in limbo and the stress is palpable.
Luka, still? I remember you mentioned it months ago but had assumed, wrongly it would seem, that the spectre had vanished. 'Restructuring' sounds almost benign but as you say, the stress must be heavy in the air.
I can only offer you a shoulder/ear... I've never been in such a situation - possibly due to my career choice, but I know it's not nice to have to go through times such as this.
In some instances, I have been seen as one of the "faceless accountants" who considers people to be a cost issue, rather than a viable asset. In similar times I have always fought the corner of "expendable" staff, pointing out things like experience, knowledge of the business, the efficiency that comes from having that knowledge...
I wouldn't be too wracked with guilt, if I were you, though - your colleagues must surely know it's not all down to you - and you have to wonder if they would give much thought to you if the axe were hovering visibly over your neck?
Enjoy the things you know are a certainty - find release in time with your kids, because none of us knows what lurks behind the next corner!
Helga, the guilt is purely self imposed, I have no hand in the process whatsoever so I know I bear none of it but still feel it, odd eh..
I've never been in that situation either until the company was bought by one that grows through acquisition instead of hard work and quality of service, a valid growth method I'm assured but one that inflicts a lot of damage as it lumbers along, every new purchase results in a swathe of redundancies on all sides.
Bitter? Me? Nooooo....
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